My Refuge, O Lord — I Run to You

My Refuge, O Lord — I Run to You

by Kang, Young Eun

My Refuge, O Lord, I run to You.
Like wrapping shattered glass softly in a cloth,
I bring my wounded heart, gently wrapped, and lay it before You.
Just as children tell every little detail of how they got hurt,
I, too, pour out my heart, one piece at a time.
Together with You, I wipe each wound and apply healing balm.
I ask why I was hurt — who I am, and who the other is.
I ask what my weakness is, and what theirs is,
and what strength I have to overcome those weaknesses.
Then I confess — my greatest resource, my source of hope, is You, Lord.
In the name of Jesus Christ, I place a bandage over the wound
and wait for time to bring healing.

My Refuge, O Lord, I run to You.
Like molten lava bursting out of a mountain,
I pour out my burning anger before You.
Like Moses, who cared for grumbling Israel as his own children
but at last could no longer bear it and struck the rock in fury —
I, too, express my anger.
Like Job, who did not sin though he lost everything,
yet could not endure the harsh, misplaced words of his friends —
I cry out to You in frustration and sorrow.
Like the prophets who wept and shouted for justice
amid the cruelty of invading enemies,
I cry out for Your righteousness to be revealed.
Like Elijah, who, after defeating 850 false prophets
collapsed in exhaustion and self-pity under Jezebel’s threat,
I lament, “Why must I serve alone? Why am I the only one left?”
I rage because of my own expectations,
because of human evil and frailty joined together,
because I do not understand Your grand design
and cannot grasp why you have allowed this moment.

Yet, like a child who calms down in its mother’s arms,
like boiling water cooled when the fire is turned off and the lid is closed,
like fierce flames subdued by a downpour,
I run into your arms.
There, I weep — tears flowing from I know not where —
And I quench the fire in my heart.

My Refuge, O Lord, I run to You.
When I am too weary, too pained, too lost, too weak,
When I cannot do anything anymore,
I call Your name and seek You.
I rise early, read Your Word, pray, write poems and journals,
and simply bring this body to the place
where I can meet the Lord who is so familiar to me.
Just as my body breathes without thinking,
My soul breathes through the spiritual rhythms
that are now a part of my life.

My Refuge, O Lord, I praise You.

 

 나의 피난처가 되신 주님, 주님께로 내가 피합니다.

강영은

 나의 피난처가 되신 주님, 주님께로 내가 피합니다.

깨진 유리를 천으로 곱게 감싸듯, 제 상처 입은 마음을 고이 싸서 주님 앞에 내어 놓습니다.

어디서 다쳤는지, 어떻게 하다가 다쳤는지 자녀들이 제게 미주알 고주알 쏟아놓듯이 저도 하나 하나 다 마음을 토로합니다. 그리고 주님과 함께 하나 하나 상처를 닦아내고 약을 바릅니다. 왜 내가 상처를 받았는지 내가 어떤 사람이고, 다른 사람은 어떤 사람인지 묻습니다. 나의 연약함과 그의 연약함은 무엇이고, 그 연약함을 이길 수 있는 내가 가진 자원은 무엇인지 묻습니다. 그리고 저의 가장 큰 자원이시자 소망의 근원은 바로 주님이심을 고백합니다. 예수 그리스도의 이름으로 밴드를 붙이고 이제는 시간이 지나 치유되기를 기다립니다.

 

나의 피난처가 되신 주님,  주님께로 내가 피합니다.

끓어오르는 용암이 산에서 뿜어 나오듯, 제 속에 끓어오르는 화를 주님 앞에 쏟아 놓습니다.

불평 불만하던 수 많은 이스라엘 백성들을 자녀처럼 돌보았지만 더 이상 참을 수 없었던 모세처럼 바위를 치며 화를 냅니다.

주님께서 다 가져가셔도 죄를 짓지 않았지만 세 친구들의 바른 말이지만 상황에 맞지 않는 말 앞에서 참을 수 없었던 욥처럼 주님께 억울함을 호소하며 화를 냅니다.

 잔인한 적들의 침략과 노략으로 고통받는 이스라엘을 대변한 선지자들처럼 잔인한 원수들에게 정의를 보여달라고 하소연하며 울부짖으며 화를 냅니다.

850명의 거짓선지자들과 싸우고 나서 이세벨의 협박으로 함께 자기 연민, 번아웃 증세를 보였던 엘리야처럼 왜 나만 섬기고, 왜 나만 남겨두셨냐며 호소하며 화를 냅니다.

내가 만든 기준 때문에, 내가 기대했던 것들 때문에, 인간의 악함과 연약함의 합작 때문에, 하나님의 큰 그림을 모른채 도저히 이 상황을 왜 허락하셨는지 알 수 없기 때문에 화를 냅니다.

씩씩거리며 화를 내던 아이가 엄마 품에 안겨 진정을 되찾듯이,

팔팔 끓는 물을 보고 불을 끄고 뚜껑을 덮어 가라 안히듯이,

타오르는 불길을 폭우처럼 쏟아지는 물로 잠재우듯이 주님 품에 달려갑니다.

어디서부터 흘러 나왔는지 모르는 눈물을 쏟아내며 내 마음의 불을 끕니다.

 

나의 피난처가 되신 주님, 주님께로 내가 피합니다.

너무 지쳐서, 너무 고통스러워서, 너무 모르겠어서, 너무 힘이 없어서, 너무 너무 너무 뭘 못하겠어서 주님 이름을 부르며 주님을 찾습니다.

새벽을 깨우고 말씀을 읽고 기도를 하고 시를 쓰고 일기를 쓰고 그저 그저 내 몸에 익숙한 주님을 만나는 자리에 이 몸을 가져갑니다.

숨을 쉬는지 모른 채 내 몸에 익숙한 호흡으로 숨을 쉬듯이,

내 영혼의 숨을 내 몸에 익숙한 영적 훈련으로 숨을 쉽니다.

 

나의 피난처가 되신 주님, 주님을 내가 찬양합니다.